A new vaccine against corruption unveiled by Kenyan scientists in the Diaspora faces resistance from Kenyans across the board.

The vaccine, which promises to guard newborns against infection with all possible strains of corruption, has received a lukewarm reception in Kenya.

The vaccine is hailed as a breakthrough in the fight against corruption by various international scientific journals. But government officials have vowed not to include it in the national immunization schedule.

Speaking after an emergency meeting of senior government officials, government parrot said that ridding the country of corruption completely was not what they had in mind with their anti-corruption campaigns.

“We do not think a vaccine is the way to go. It is taking it too far…Our ineffective anti-corruption campaigns have been serving us well.

“Moreover, most Kenyans are beneficiaries of…of..the c-word I do not think it is entirely bad. The only problem is going overboard and locking some people out of it. What we should do is create equal opportunities for all to benefit from it. There is no civilised country in the world that keeps majority of its citizens from making an extra coin through..eh..the c-word,” the government parrot stuttered.

Donors had already pledged Sh15billion to roll out the vaccine to every baby born in corruption hotspots around Kenya. The anti-corruption jab was to be given at birth together with the HBV vaccine.

However, yesterday, most mothers stayed away from immunization centres saying the vaccine would diminish their children’s participation in the lucrative billion-shilling graft industry.

Senior medical officials who requested not be named because of their involvement in the industry said adopting the vaccine would be a bad move.

“It is outrageous for someone who has been living in a western nation to try and remove our deeply entrenched inclinations to corruption!” exclaimed a senior medical officer who bribed his way to anonymity because of his entrenchment in the matter.

He added that corruption is the main driver of business in various industries including the medical industry and said that such a vaccine would kill the industry.

“This industry provides a lot side income for workers in the public and private sector. This is what we use to buy those flashy flossets which everyone wonders how we acquired,”

“I believe this vaccine will interfere with wealth creation for enterprising Kenyans,” he insisted.

 A cross-section of Kenyans around the country also expressed their fears about the vaccine. They said the vaccine would reduce their access to jobs and wealth.

“Most of us have benefited directly and indirectly from corruption. I got a job I’m not qualified for,” said David a member of a new civil society group to protest against the anti-corruption vaccine.

“Even the common mwananchi who cannot pilfer donor money has his own platform to participate, but like natural selection, only the fittest make it,” said Maria, a former civil servant who made her wealth through corruption.

Government parrot said that civic education would be rolled out to teach all Kenyans how to benefit from corruption and dissuade citizens from getting the anti-corruption jab.

The vaccine developers based in several hospitals in the Diaspora are stunned that their 20 years scientific effort may go down the drain.

“We took all that talk on zero-tolerance to heart and invested our lives and knowledge to come up with a vaccine to rid our motherland of corruption.

“But it appears that all the anti-corruption crusades are a gimmick to hoodwink Kenyans of integrity,” said a visibly bitter Head of the Anti-corruption Vaccine Initiative Prof Chanjo.

The government has announced new measures to help citizens cope with the record temperatures currently being experienced in the country.

The announcement comes after huge public demand for the government to act and protect its citizenry from the unforgiving sun.

A statement sent to media houses read in part:

“Due to the unprecedented heat we have decided, after long and drawn out consultations, to let our citizens walk ‘free’ to minimize the effects of the scorching sun.”

Chief government parrot said during an emergency press briefing that the government had heard the cry of the common man and was committed to liberating citizens from the shackles of too much heat.

“As a government we have noticed that this is a new phenomenon, never experienced before in this country and we have decided to do something about it.”

On being asked to clarify what exactly this directive to walk ‘free’ actually meant, the Chief Government Know-it-all had this to say:

“The government has heard your cry. You said: Tunaomba serikali iangalie hii maneno. Hii jua itatumaliza and we heard you. You can choose to interpret it the way you wish, but we are just saying that people have now been freed from the uncomfortable heat,” he said.

Government meteorologists present during the media briefing said even they did not know how hot it really was. But before they could give details, the government parrot blurted out an explanation.

“Our thermometers are not calibrated to register temperatures that exceed the usual ones that we are used to here. In fact we will fast-track the process of procuring super-thermometers from china which can show temperatures that are even out-of-this world,” he said.

Religious leaders, who later held a press conference to condemn the new government directive, said they would hold countrywide demonstrations to oppose it.

“We cannot allow the government to let people walk half-nude. This directive is unafrican and unconstitutional and we urge all citizens of good repute to disregard it,” the leaders said.

But citizens from all walks of life welcomed the move saying that for the first time ever, the government had responded to the ‘tunaomba serikali’ cry.

Police spokesman, on the other hand, told reporters that anyone found walking with little or no clothes under the guise of ease from the sun’s heat would be arrested.

“Even the people on the Masinde Muliro Gardens bench are fully clothed as they go about their business. We cannot interfere with people’s rights in Muliro Gardens. But other citizens cannot use the sun as the excuse to bare it all. We will charge them with indecent exposure, government directive or not,” she declared.

However, the government defended the new directive saying that it was absolutely necessary. It blamed the current idiotic utterances by the political class and the ordinary mwananchi alike on the beyond-hellish temperatures; saying the new directive would keep everyone within normal sanity levels.

Two weekends ago I had the pleasure of joining the Chinese community in Kenya in celebrating their new year. I had already marked New Year, a few weeks back, with a large portion of the world, which follows the Gregorian calendar. But there is something uplifting about new beginnings, so I did not hesitate to join the fray again.

The ceremony was to begin promptly at four, but it seems we have a lot in common with the Asian tigers when it comes to timekeeping. Two hours into the scheduled time, we were still waiting for the event to begin, and when it finally did, I almost walked out in protest. It turned out that we had been waiting for a Kenyan foreign affairs official -the chief guest- to arrive, before the ceremony could begin. That sort of got the Chinese off my list of  ‘African timers’. However, they still failed, in part, for not distracting the audience with entertainment during that long wait before the real act began.

After a few speeches, the cultural showcase finally began. I am big on culture, so I was looking forward to some exciting performances and I wasn’t disappointed. Art appreciation knows no language barriers, so despite my faltering grasp of Chinese, the language of the day, I was fully taken in by the performances. The dancers had electrifying moves that made the audience want to join them on stage, the singers had silky voices that penetrated deep into the soul and the overall oriental energy on display was captivating.

Why can’t the Chinese celebrate New Year with the rest of the world?

Unlike the Gregorian calendar, recognised by most of the world as the official measure of years, the Chinese calendar is based on a combination of lunar and solar movements. To harmonise the two, an extra month is inserted once every few years, just like an extra day is added every leap year on the Gregorian calendar. That is why the Chinese New Year falls on a different date each year.

New year’s day falls on the first day of the new moon after winter. For the Chinese, New Year is not just a one-day affair. It is a 15-day festival, also known as the spring festival that is marked with pomp, colour and festivity. During this festival, the colour red is used prominently because it is believed to attract good fortune. The crowning moment is the last day during which the lantern festival is held.

Like in other cultures, New Year among the Chinese is a time for family reunions.  Family members come together to celebrate, feast, and give thanks for the old and new year,  and to mark a new beginning.

Many rituals and symbols of good luck accompany the celebrations. One that struck me is the one where all houses are spring-cleaned from corner to corner in readiness for New Year. This ritual is supposed to remove any bad luck lurking in the house and open up the house to good fortune. I bet no Chinese house would be featured in the How Clean is Your House reality TV show. And of course the festival would be incomplete without the dances and parades on display throughout the two-week festival.

I did not wait long enough for the ceremony to end, but I left with the knowledge that 2011 is the year of the rabbit – a far cry from the ferocious year of the tiger that was marked last year. But docility is a welcome retreat from the bold, aggressive and unrelenting approach of the past year. People born in this year i.e. rabbits are believed to be keen, wise, tranquil, sneaky, fragile and fashionable among other traits. If I were Chinese I’d say this is going to be a calm year when some of the most dazzling works of fashion will be created. So my Chinese gene is yearning for an impressive Jimmy Choo collection some time this year.




 

When one of our relatives or friends is accused of misbehaving, our first instinct as human beings is to protect them from the ‘false’ claims.  In our eyes, our kith and kin can do no wrong.

Try accusing my brother of something evil or criminal and I will stare at you in disbelief, accuse you of malice and dismiss your ignorant claims. After all, this is my 'innocent' brother we are talking about. Never mind that I hardly know anything about him any more. My brother is not capable of veering from the straight and narrow simply because he is my kin. No wonder they say blood is thicker.

Even in schools, when a child is sent home for a misdemeanour, the parents take him back breathing fire. Their fury caused by an unimaginable accusation visited upon an innocent child – in his parent’s eyes.


It comes as no surprise then when Kenyan politicians retreat to their tribal or political cocoons for protection knowing very well that they will find the very desired protection therein. No one in the political class can ever be held to account without his kinsmen coming to his rescue with cries of persecution.


Lately the sense of kinship has extended to political parties. Whereas in the past a party could easily treat their disgraced member like a disposable fall guy; recently we are seeing strange things where party officials rally behind one of their own, whenever he or she is put in the dock.


It is not uncommon to hear claims of "our members are being targeted" or "they want to decimate our numbers before the next election" among other tactics employed to protect members from alleged persecution.


While it is good to show loyalty to one of your own, the law must be allowed to run its course. Our friends and relatives are not infallible and they should be allowed to face the consequences of their actions, without any interference on our part.

It would be a better society if we could release our dear ones to the same law we want to apply to others.

 Statement on the need for relationship quotas by Best Kenya - the only genuine human rights organisation

The introduction of the new quota system that gives pupils from public primary schools a chance to attend national secondary schools is timely. We laud the government for implementing this long overdue policy that will promote a more equal society.

The government should now go a step further to ensure that only students from public secondary schools attend public universities and other public institutions of higher learning. In the same vein, only graduates from public universities should be employed in the public sector. This will complete the whole equality equation.

In the spirit of providing equal opportunities to all Kenyans, the government should also introduce other quotas to bridge the ever-widening gap between the rich and the poor.

As the only genuine human rights civil organisation, it has come to our attention that it is not only the education system that needs these quotas. There are many areas in the Kenyan society that require deliberate government intervention if we are to achieve vision 2030 in the next twenty years and the time to act is now.

We all know how important relationships are to the achievement of the above-mentioned vision. In fact without relationships, the Kenyan state as we know it would probably degenerate into an unstable country. Relationships are the basic unit of the Kenyan society and the government must acknowledge the crucial role they play in the stability of our beloved country.

The current situation makes it difficult for poor people to marry into riches and kiss poverty goodbye. Young women who try to win the affections of richer men have been incorrectly labelled gold-diggers; when in reality they are just working towards the personal achievement of vision 2030.

We are, therefore, asking the Minister for Gender to come up with a policy to ensure equal opportunities for all in accessing rich spouses. Bearing in mind that people from poor backgrounds may have difficulties meeting wealthier marriage partners, the Minister should issue a directive to the effect that all rich Kenyans are compelled by law to marry economically disadvantaged citizens. This will go a long way to bridge the gap between the rich and the poor and create a more equal society.

This policy should be implemented in the next four weeks. If the ministry does not heed our call, we will mobilise all citizens who desire a better Kenya in mass protests like those that happened recently in Tunisia until this issue is resolved.

We are also preparing a list of other areas where quotas should be applied to address historic inequalities in this country.


Signed this 17th January 2011

Hakim Mzalendo
Chairman Best Kenya